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An exciting contest

Felipe聽Fern谩ndez-Armesto judges a revealing after-dinner game

Published on
November 28, 2013
Last updated
May 22, 2015

鈥淒eath!鈥 cried Miriam, a tall young woman with a sculptural body and a serious face, who terrifies the men in my class.

鈥淵es!鈥 breathed Claudia, the class coquette, whom they all admire and some adore.

We were lingering over drinks. Our distinguished visiting lecturer had left, after boring us about 17th-century martyrs. Nestor, a usually taciturn Latino graduate, had proposed an after-dinner game of his own invention. He called it 鈥淲hat word most?鈥 On slips of paper, we all wrote a few verbs of our choice 鈥 鈥渇rightens鈥 or 鈥渋nspires鈥 or 鈥渟ickens鈥 or 鈥渉orrifies鈥 or what you will 鈥 to complete the sentence, 鈥淲hat word most鈥?鈥 In each round, one slip was drawn and each player in turn had to answer the completed question and justify the answer. According to Nestor, the winner would usually be chosen by vote, but in recognition of my hospitality, the class decided that on this occasion I would award the laurels.

The sentence that had elicited Miriam鈥檚 and Claudia鈥檚 replies was, 鈥淲hat word most excites?鈥

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鈥業t鈥檚 obvious that Alex Salmond and that ilk鈥 - she smiled deliciously at her adept Scotticism - 鈥榳ould hate independence. If they get it, they鈥檒l lose their whole raison d鈥櫭猼re鈥

Miriam vindicated death. She called it the last adventure in a depressingly familiar world. She described vividly how death excites art. 鈥淒eath鈥, she said, 鈥渋s the only perfect practitioner of charity, provoking penitence, extirpating pain, freeing the sick, imprisoned and enslaved.鈥

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In the ensuing silence, I was tempted to give her the prize, but Claudia intervened. 鈥淥n the contrary,鈥 she announced. 鈥淒eath crushes opportunity. The adventure, as far as we know, lasts only an instant. Eternity, if that鈥檚 where it takes us, will be changelessly dull. The word that most excites me is 鈥榊es鈥,鈥 and she prolonged it with a fascinating sigh.

鈥溾夆榊es鈥 opens doors, fulfils hope, fortifies faith, stimulates invention and confers blessings. Death says 鈥楴o鈥.

鈥淚 always try鈥 鈥 and her glance caressed the room 鈥 鈥渢o say 鈥榊es鈥.鈥

Nathan, the class clown, proposed 鈥渟ex鈥 as his word. The others shouted him down. Gordon鈥檚 turn was next. He had come to Notre Dame because of our programmes in Celtic studies and he wanted to do doctoral research on the Gaelic literature of Scottish resistance. I knew he was obsessive, but not fanatical. I could guess what his word would be and, sure enough, 鈥渋ndependence鈥, he proclaimed.

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His classmates responded with affected revulsion, as if in response to a bad joke. 鈥淧olitical terms ought to be banned from the game,鈥 Miriam said. 鈥淧olitics are good for nothing except to replace discontent with disillusion. If you guys ever get independence, all you will have achieved will be the pleasure of hating Edinburgh more than London.鈥

鈥淩ight,鈥 agreed Nathan, turning serious for a moment and looking squarely at Gordon. 鈥淗aven鈥檛 you learned anything from being in this hemisphere? The Hispanic republics all split into fragments in obedience to the ambitions of their selfish little elites and ended in poverty and misery. Meanwhile, Brazil, Canada and the US have held together. We conquered divisiveness, forgave each other our civil wars, managed to value pluralism, and have become model states for the world. We still have separatists in the US 鈥 mainly in Texas and Puerto Rico 鈥 but we treat them with benign indifference because we know that a conflictive past is a basis for a collaborative future.鈥

鈥淚 can鈥檛 understand, Gordon,鈥 said Claudia with that peculiar air of condescension permissible in a pretty woman, 鈥渉ow you can let your politicians hoodwink you. It鈥檚 obvious that Alex Salmond and that ilk鈥 鈥 she smiled deliciously at her adept Scotticism 鈥 鈥渨ould hate independence. If they get it, they鈥檒l lose their whole raison d鈥櫭猼re. The SNP [Scottish National Party] will be annihilated or collapse, like squabblers in a bunker, with no enemies except each other. They clamour for independence only to focus electoral resentment on a distant target. They should be careful what they wish for.鈥

Jordi spoke next: 鈥淵our Scotland reminds me of my Catalonia. We had our 鈥楢ct of Union鈥 with the rest of Spain within a few years of yours with England, for the same reason: a small country can鈥檛 be a great power. The results included rebellions suppressed, culture oppressed and our language marginalised, but the rest of the kingdom came to value Catalonia鈥檚 special place, as the English came to value Scotland. Marriages, migrations, military service and economic and imperial collaborations strengthened ties. It would not make sense to undo all that history for present discontents. Your Alex Salmond, like our Artur Mas, wants a referendum only as long as he hopes to lose it: the campaign will bring him more publicity, more celebrity, more funding, and with defeat will come more blessed motives for resentment and more votes.鈥

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鈥淣o one admires Scottish culture more than I,鈥 added Baz, an Irish-American student who plays in the Notre Dame pipe-and-drum band. 鈥淎nd I admire your pride and patriotism, Gordon. But nationalism isn鈥檛 patriotic. As our dear professor says, a patriot wisely wants his country to be better; a nationalist stupidly thinks it鈥檚 already superior. It鈥檚 a superannuated, destructive ideology.鈥

It was time for me to sum up. 鈥淚 agree with your critics, Gordon. But you鈥檝e proved your point by exciting so much debate. I award you tonight鈥檚 prize 鈥 as long as you pour it for the rest of us. By coincidence, it鈥檚 not a pure malt, but a bottle of blended Scotch.鈥

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